Monthly Archives: November 2010

I was Wondering

I wonder if Google sends their Street View cars into Detroit’s abandoned suburbs?

And if they do, would we be able to see the memories of lost and forgotten suburbs captured on camera, ghosts talking over fences, collecting mail, taking in the washing?

I wonder what those previous residents feel when they go down their street to their old house and find that it has gone. What goes through their thoughts as they stare at the vacant lot? Maybe life echoes the stand – empty?

Last night, I went to the house I was born in. My family moved on more than 30 years ago, yet beneath the Oak tree, I saw my father sitting reading a paper.


Abused in the Hallway

To my utter dismay, I was this morning at work, involved in a hallway shuffle with a woman who was carrying about her person, at least 2 Backstreet Boys in extra weight.

That in itself is not what bothers me. What does was the fact that, at 136kgs, she was able to move with the speed and grace of a gazelle.

And so, with that speed and grace, before I could avoid the approaching horror, I was pinned forward facing, up against a large mass of heaving flesh. To make matters worse, the smell of Eggs McMuffin mixed with lashings of “Curious” from that Spears girl, has yet to dissolve from my nostrils.

After what seemed to be a period in which the entire universe expanded and retracted, dragging stars and solar systems into mere seconds, she disengaged herself from my abused and flattened torso, with an apology and a smile.

-Begging your pardon, she laughed as she walked away, leaving me with images in my mind that I know will take centuries to fade.

 

 


Waking up with Justin Bieber – Its so overated!

 

I awoke this morning to the sounds of some tragic and fatal accident wafting through my room.

I thought I had died and gone to hell sometime during the nocturnal hours. Turns out I was not so far off, which became more apparent as the morning progressed.

Upon exiting my apartment at 7:12 am sharp for my work commute, I was met by a female teenager of nondescript age (they all look 16 and drugged to me), wearing a T-shirt depicting some young singer who the teenager blurted out was a certain Justin Bieber (oh and that she now lives in the apartment above mine).

Great!

And, she continued, she’s going to marry this Bieber boy and have his love child.

– In the apartment above? I asked.

– No, like at his mansion, like. Ok?

I was slightly relieved at this piece of good news.

– Will you take his god-awful music with you?

– In my heart, she said.

So there is the off-chance that she may be relocating soon.

She is, what I have discovered, a Belieber: a group ( a large one at that) of teenage and not so teenage girls (and some confused boys) who all think they are going to marry Bieber and have his love child(ren)

Heaven help us all.

Especially with a hair cut like his.

Suddenly I found myself longing for the days of the “Lesbians”.